Saying our goodbyes at the front door cannot be the end of our holiday. Actually, that is just the beginning of processing the experience. Just as it takes time for our bodies to break down the foods we ate, it also takes time for us to unpack the meaning of the interactions and exchanges we experienced.

But unlike digestion, developing a deeper understanding is not something that happens automatically. It is something we have to choose.

Familial relationships are funny. There is often an expectation of shared closeness resulting from the simple fact of a shared bloodline. Yet, this assumed intimacy is frequently paired with a sense of resentment.

And why shouldn't it be? Sometimes our relatives think that the name of our relationship (father, sister, mother, cousin, aunt, etc.) precludes the necessity of earning closeness, or the requirement that we work for the regard of others.

Doesn't that suggest that it could be time to rethink those relationships, and the way we participate in them?

As adults, we have the right--and the responsibility--to be mindful and selective in the ways we choose to be in relationship. That's all relationships. We get to choose.

I am not saying, or suggesting, that we jettison family relationships (or any other kind). I do think that we have a responsibility to examine the ways we share ourselves with people, and to determine the ways in which we are fed when we choose to intersect with them.

We only stay in relationships when we have something to gain from them. That isn't always a healthy something, either--we could habitually create familiar conflict just as easily as we might, say, look for ways to help someone become more self-sufficient.

Understanding what we are getting out of relationships is akin to seeing where the cookie is coming from. Find the cookie (the payoff, which can be financial, emotional or other), and you'll see your motivation on the other end of it.

It is worthwhile to keep doing this tedious work. It shows us how we are entangled with people--and then we can choose how to move forward from there.

The good news is that it means we don't have to keep choking down resentment along with the mashed potatoes at the holiday table.

The rest of the news? We have to keep working for it.

Also good news: whether or not we reach resolution, there can still be pie.

Every holiday season, my mother invites my four siblings and myself to meet at her home with my stepfather (who is living with cancer) and my grandmother (who is living with Alzheimer's) at their home in Virginia. While I look forward to spending time with them, every time we meet, there is chaos.

Now that I am older, I understand part of the reason for the chaos. I have a completely different expectation around the format of celebrating the holiday than my mother does.

I expect that we will gather, play some games, eat some food, possibly watch bad television--or even venture out to see a movie--and then go our separate ways. It will be a good time.

But my mother has a basic belief that it would surely not be possible for us to enjoy the gathering (or the meal) unless we are ising the exactly-right format. That means eating on the appropriate china, using the right flatware, which has all been laid on top of a table in just the right format (antique mahogany, with the company-sized leaf in).

I will freely admit that this raises the stress considerably. That's because it really means that, at any given moment, Mom might throw her hands into the air and decide that the holiday has been ruined.

That's a lot of pressure for what amounts to a series of inconsequential details.

The forks cannot ruin the day.

The rolls burning cannot ruin the day.

Even my stepbrother showing up drunk and insulting my brother can't ruin the day.

These are just events. They don't have the power to save or ruin anything, unless we decide they do.

Our job, as thoughtful adults, is to choose consciousness. We examine our thoughts, or decisions, and our level of participation. We mindfully select methods of interaction. We leave room for our human response. And if we mess it up, we try again later.

You know, it's hard to avoid getting old wounds and grudges activated when we plug into the family drama. That's completely normal. But if we want something different, then it's time for us to try a different approach.

We are, as the song said, only human. Let's sail into the holidays with a full understanding of our choices.

Eat, drink and choose to be merry. It's just another day. And if all else fails, take a board game with you. It will shift everyone into fun mode.

Be good to yourself. I look forward to seeing you soon.